After the disaster that was bedtime Thursday, I’ve had a super shit day.
Well, actually, apart from feeling like a crappy parent, the day hasn’t been awful except…
I counted up my mat leave. I only have two weeks left then I’m officially on holiday.
So I had to speak to my boss. He wants me to go in for a meeting. Now I have to go through the motions in order to hopefully get them to agree another 13 weeks mat leave at smp. I’m disheartened, demoralised and tired.
I just want to look after my kids, write my blog, dabble with my novel, knit, massage and look after mamas.
We can’t always get what we want.
So, 10 days is now indefinitely.
On one hand I’m super annoyed because as a business there is a duty of care to keep your customers in the loop, partucularly where this is concerned.
However, after a conversation earlier I need to eat a lot of my frustration. I can’t say too much about it, but the situation is actually pretty horrific. It is bullying in its purest form, having a knock on effect on a lot of lives.
And there is nothing we can do but wait.
Not only are we almost at the end of my two weeks imposed SAHM -ness, I’m also at the end of my tether.
I wrote before about why I could never do it full-time. I change my mind daily about going back to work. I’m not sure which is worse. That’s horrible thing to say about staying at home with my kids isn’t it? I mean, I know how fast time flies. I should be cherishing every scribble on the furniture, every temper tantrum, every piece of computer equipment she expertly dismantles.
But I can’t.
I’m waking up at the moment dreading spending the day with her, knowing that my temper will only tolerate ten minutes of her being a disobedient diva before I snap.
Ok, it doesn’t help that from about 2am I go into a 20 minute feed, 30 minute settling 20 minute sleep cycle until 7.30. It definitely doesn’t help that the house constantly looks like mothercare exploded here and there are dirty nappies everywhere. The same load of washing has been hanging on the line for more than a week…
Which doesn’t sound massively odd for a house where the stay at home parent is still adjusting to two children, but we have a lodger. I want him to feel he can use the communal areas without feeling uncomfortable because they are a mess.
I think I shot myself in the foot by returning to work the first time. If I had always stayed at home, this would have been easier right? What other excuses can I use for my failure?
I do believe it would make me a bad mother if I didn’t have half a speck of doubt.
Afterall, you hear of these things all the time.
I know it is someone maliciously dealing a career crippling blow. And they’ve done it well; picking one thing that’s hard to prove and the one thing guaranteed to strike fear into any parent.
I felt sick when I heard. I still feel a little sick now, knowing there will be questions, and observations and unneccessary interventions when I would just like our little family left alone to try to calculate our next move.
I hope it ends soon. I hope all the ends are tied up, and I hope my little speck is proven beyond any doubt to be just another paranoid parenting moment.
We always considered it might be an option before I had The Toddler, and I was beginning to think it might be worth considering again after baby 2 gets here, but the last week has just re-enforced that I’m not that kind of person.
I’ve had to look after The Toddler four days this week while OH has been at work. The horror. Four days of looking after my own offspring! It’s not that I dislike her, or that I’m trying to get rid of her, or anything like that, it’s just I find it hard to cope with her at the moment, seeing as she is into everything and I’m unable to move around. She also gets bored very easily and then starts to climb on me which is impractical. I’m not a massive fan of other children, and the mummy friends I have either have things going on or are too far away. To add to this, I was put off the local playgroups by a couple of not great experiences (mainly because of my mental state at the time, but that’s irrelevant and would just add to my discomfort were I to meet up with some of the women I used to go with) so I’m quite limited as to what we can do.
I’ve figured out at the key to being a SAHM is to not be at home at all! I managed to arrange something to do on all four days that would make the day slightly more interesting for the Toddler. Tuesday, we went to my Aunts and MWs, Wednesday I spent time with OHs mum and sister, Thursday we did a trip to the local pet shop, Friday I went to OHs mums house and let her run loose there and then had a friend over in the afternoon who was happy to help keep an eye on her. The house was somewhat neglected. The Toddler does have her jobs though which include cleaning her chair before meal times, emptying the dishwater and watering the very sorry looking bush at the end of our garden. Oh and she puts our socks away (in the wrong drawers.) I still don’t know how proper SAHMs do all the washing up, the cleaning, the hoovering, the sorting out and the bazillion other jobs and manage to keep their children from going insane. I’m guessing that’s something that comes with practise and/or a metric shit tonne of patience.
I still prefer the days I have at home by myself though, and depending on her mood, going to work! However, I think this week we have bonded a bit more. Maybe we were starting to drift due to my working hours and our weekend routine. The cuddles seem to be more of the “Mum, I want to be close to you” kind than the “MUM PLAY WITH ME NOW!” kind. I feel a lot more confident and relaxed than I did. I wouldn’t consider a SAHM role as I’m definitely one of those women who needs to be out at work, although I do appreciate her more now and it feels like we are a team trying to fight the day time boredom rather than two individuals who are just arguing to pass the time!
I’m currently considering goign back to work full time, but until that decision has been made, I will still have both children at home two days a week. I’m not too sure yet how that will pan out, but I’m hoping this week together has made us both a little more relaxed around each other.