Tag Archives: sahm

Failday friday

After the disaster that was bedtime Thursday, I’ve had a super shit day.

Well, actually, apart from feeling like a crappy parent, the day hasn’t been awful except…

I counted up my mat leave. I only have two weeks left then I’m officially on holiday.

Yes, shit.

So I had to speak to my boss. He wants me to go in for a meeting. Now I have to go through the motions in order to hopefully get them to agree another 13 weeks mat leave at smp.  I’m disheartened, demoralised and tired.

I just want to look after my kids, write my blog, dabble with my novel, knit, massage and look after mamas.

We can’t always get what we want. 

On bullying

I am writing about bullying for NaNoWriMo this year.

I was bullied at school.  This happened mostly because I was a sensitive child who cried a lot and bullies love an instant reaction to their harsh words or actions.  I was quickly targeted by two different groups and ended up not really remembering 3 out of four of my school years.

Until recently, I knew that this was the subject I wanted to tackle but I couldn’t recall exactly how I had felt at the time.  Now I remember the helpless hatred of the people making my life a misery as I watch someone else in my life be mercilessly bullied by some truly horrid, despicable and downright selfish shithead excuses for human beings. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help them.  I can’t swoop in and knock the biggest one out.  I can’t stand in front of the victim screaming for the teacher. I can’t go to mum and get her to write a letter (a pointless action at the time of my own episodes of being a victim as it was countered by the other mum. In those days, bullying was only just being brought into the public eye, and schools generally still didn’t have a policy or procedure for investigating. Their way of dealing with cases was to externally or internally suspend all involved. Eyeroll).

So, now I feel the burning helplessness in the pit of my stomach once again, and I know for certain that now I have to write my stories of bullying.

Oddly enough, because the relentless bitching from some (as it turned out later on) very fucked up girls made me who I am today, I wouldn’t change it. In fact, for the record, I would like to offer some thanks for making me a strong woman who tolerates very little shit (sometimes to her detriment.)

I digress…

Bullying, in all its forms, is totally intolerable.  This includes bullying in the workplace, at home, or in the schoolyard. Some people really should know better.

Apologies…(and my timetable)

for the mega cop-out post yesterday.

I’m apologising more to myself than anything else.  You see, once a post is published, I won’t withdraw it although I may choose not to publish it.  I just haven’t had the time nor the inclination to post recently.

This is mostly caused by my enforced SAHM-ness which is now indefinitely extended.  This, added to O’s night feeding habits have me completely worn into the ground on most days.

An example day for me is:

Get up around 7.30ish (although recently, we have been getting up slightly earlier as she’s refusing to stay in bed.)

Breakfast for the pack.

8am – shower and wash hair

8.30 dress two children, feed O.

9-10 – O on blanket playing, Madam being told off repeatedly for poking him.

10.30 – snack time (raisins and juice)

10.35 – feed O, he goes to sleep

10.40 – 11.30 – Mummy and Toddler time.  Mostly being kicked and drawing monsters. (Or blogging while she watches Charlie and Lola on the other screen)

11.45 – O wakes up.

12.00 – go cook soup for lunch.  We always have soup. She won’t eat sarnies at home.

12.15 – O screaming, come in and feed him while the soup is cooling.

12.45 – serve up seriously cold soup and bread

13.25 – lunch finally finished – clean up mess, feed O.

14.00 get so fed up decide to go for a walk.

14.45 – complete construction of the Phil & Teds

14.50- Feed O

15.20 – Feed O

15.30 – leave house after two nappy changes…each.

15.33 – return to house after she protests I forgot her raisins and juice.

15.36 – leave house again with raisins and juice.  Walk to local supermarket.

16.00 – get to supermarket

16.04 – two screaming children in a pushchair gets too much.  Attempt speed shopping.

16.45 – get back home wishing I’d never attempted to leave the house in the first place. Feed O

16.46 – Madam falls asleep on sofa.

17.25 – Madam still asleep.  Still feeding O.  It’s a long one to make up for going out.

17.45 – OH comes home, looks in kitchen expecting dinner to be ready.

18.30 – Dinner is served. Still feeding O.

19.15 – Madams bed time.  Fight with her to get PJs on.

19.30 – chase her around upstairs to do teeth.

19.40 – teeth finally done, chase her around to put her in bed.

19.50 – night night kisses all round.  Violet goes on for 10 minutes.

19.51 – we begin the “How about *insert CBeebies character name*” game, where she replies with “*character* is sleeping!”

20.20- realise Violet has finished and O is starving downstairs.

20.25 – finally leave Madams room after she calls for me.  She then stands at the stairgate shouting Mummy.

20.35 – feed O

20.50 – Swap sides

21.01 – Attempt transfer to travel cot. Fail.

21.05 – feed O

21.13 – Attempt transfer to cot.  Fail.

21.14 – call in OH to settle O.

21.16 – O settled. (Little git)

22.00 – head to bed.

23.00 ish OH brings up O.

1.30 – Feed O

2.20 – attempt cot transfer – WIN.

3.25 – Feed O

4.20 – Attempt cot transfer – WIN

5.10 – Feed O

5.30 – Attempt cot transfer – Fail.

5.35 – Feed O

5.36 – O asleep on lap. Attempt cot transfer – fail

5.38 – Feed O

5.39 – Wind O over shoulder – O sleeping soundly.  Chicken out of transfer and let him sleep on my chest while I doze until…

6.00 – Wake up with crick in neck. O fidgets.

6.10 – wake self up with a jump.  O turns his head over and begins dribbling on the other bra strap.

6.20 – wake up again as O scratches inner thighs with razor-sharp toenails.  He’s dreaming

7.00 – OH’s alarm goes off.

7.10 – “Hello mummy – where’s Ossar?”

 

 

Frowns

So, 10 days is now indefinitely.

On one hand I’m super annoyed because as a business there is a duty of care to keep your customers in the loop, partucularly where this is concerned.

However, after a conversation earlier I need to eat a lot of my frustration.  I can’t say too much about it, but the situation is actually pretty horrific.  It is bullying in its purest form, having a knock on effect on a lot of lives.

And there is nothing we can do but wait.

Sigh

Happy Blah-day

Not only are we almost at the end of my two weeks imposed SAHM -ness, I’m also at the end of my tether.

I wrote before about why I could never do it full-time.  I change my mind daily about going back to work. I’m not sure which is worse. That’s horrible thing to say about staying at home with my kids isn’t it? I mean, I know how fast time flies.  I should be cherishing every scribble on the furniture, every temper tantrum, every piece of computer equipment she expertly dismantles.

But I can’t.

I’m waking up at the moment dreading spending the day with her, knowing that my temper will only tolerate ten minutes of her being a disobedient diva before I snap.

Ok, it doesn’t help that from about 2am I go into a 20 minute feed, 30 minute settling  20 minute sleep cycle until 7.30.  It definitely doesn’t help that the house constantly looks like mothercare exploded here and there are dirty nappies everywhere. The same load of washing has been hanging on the line for more than a week…

Which doesn’t sound massively odd for a house where the stay at home parent is still adjusting to two children, but we have a lodger. I want him to feel he can use the communal areas without feeling uncomfortable because they are a mess.

I think I shot myself in the foot by returning to work the first time.  If I had always stayed at home, this would have been easier right? What other excuses can I use for my failure?

Oh Sh*t

I do believe it would make me a bad mother if I didn’t have half a speck of doubt.

Afterall, you hear of these things all the time.

I know it is someone maliciously dealing a career crippling blow.  And they’ve done it well; picking one thing that’s hard to prove and the one thing guaranteed to strike fear into any parent.

I felt sick when I heard.  I still feel a little sick now, knowing there will be questions, and observations and unneccessary interventions when I would just like our little family left alone to try to calculate our next move.

I hope it ends soon. I hope all the ends are tied up, and I hope my little speck is proven beyond any doubt to be just another paranoid parenting moment.

SAHM – No ta.

We always considered it might be an option before I had The Toddler, and I was beginning to think it might be worth considering again after baby 2 gets here, but the last week has just re-enforced that I’m not that kind of person.

I’ve had to look after The Toddler four days this week while OH has been at work.  The horror.  Four days of looking after my own offspring!  It’s not that I dislike her, or that I’m trying to get rid of her, or anything like that, it’s just I find it hard to cope with her at the moment, seeing as she is into everything and I’m unable to move around.  She also gets bored very easily and then starts to climb on me which is impractical.  I’m not a massive fan of other children, and the mummy friends I have either have things going on or are too far away.  To add to this, I was put off the local playgroups by a couple of not great experiences (mainly because of my mental state at the time, but that’s irrelevant and would just add to my discomfort were I to meet up with some of the women I used to go with) so I’m quite limited as to what we can do.

I’ve figured out at the key to being a SAHM is to not be at home at all!  I managed to arrange something to do on all four days that would make the day slightly more interesting for the Toddler.  Tuesday, we went to my Aunts and MWs, Wednesday I spent time with OHs mum and sister, Thursday we did a trip to the local pet shop, Friday I went to OHs mums house and let her run loose there and then had a friend over in the afternoon who was happy to help keep an eye on her. The house was somewhat neglected.  The Toddler does have her jobs though which include cleaning her chair before meal times, emptying the dishwater and watering the very sorry looking bush at the end of our garden.  Oh and she puts our socks away (in the wrong drawers.) I still don’t know how proper SAHMs do all the washing up, the cleaning, the hoovering, the sorting out and the bazillion other jobs and manage to keep their children from going insane. I’m guessing that’s something that comes with practise and/or a metric shit tonne of patience.

I still prefer the days I have at home by myself though, and depending on her mood, going to work!  However, I think this week we have bonded a bit more.  Maybe we were starting to drift due to my working hours and our weekend routine.  The cuddles seem to be more of the “Mum, I want to be close to you” kind than the “MUM PLAY WITH ME NOW!” kind.   I feel a lot more confident and relaxed than I did.  I wouldn’t consider a SAHM role as I’m definitely one of those women who needs to be out at work, although I do appreciate her more now and it feels like we are a team trying to fight the day time boredom rather than two individuals who are just arguing to pass the time!

I’m currently considering goign back to work full time, but until that decision has been made, I will still have both children at home two days a week.  I’m not too sure yet how that will pan out, but I’m hoping this week together has made us both a little more relaxed around each other.