A few days ago, I decided that I was going to take this blog back to its parent blogger roots and only talk about parenty things.
Then I realised that what has actually happened is that this blog has evolved and taken on another form. Yes, it’s still about parenting, but it’s also about me. Me and my things and if I can’t express some of those things, then I may just end up actually losing the plot (as opposed to almost losing the plot) and going a bit wonky. And no one wants to see wonky.
I’ve decided the best thing I can do for me and the blog is be myself. If the highlight of my day was changing a stinky nappy followed by tantrums all round and I really don’t feel like reliving it, I should allow myself the freedom to come on here and vent about how much smaller Curly Wurly bars have gotten in the last 20 years or something equally as important.
I’m also planning on typing up THE STORY at some point and dumping it on another blog which will have an over 18 disclaimer. Have to have some semblance of social responsibility although I daresay that most teenagers have likely had their first sexual experience by about 14 now, and probably seen far more explicit material on the internet. I think my brother was about that age when he bought home two animated .gif files on floppy disk which would be considered X-rated. Yeah, mum stopped him using the home computer for a while. Didn’t stop him using the one at school though – where he’d originally obtained the files. I digress…
So, as I am stuck at the computer presently with someones mouth clamped to my nipple (no, it’s not OH before any of the filthmongers reading this even think that!) I thought I would write-up some of the thoughts swirling around in my petite brain.
Or not. O doesn’t want to sleep and The Toddler keeps climbing into O’s cot upstairs. Long night? Probably *yawn*
What started out as a blog about parenting has fast become a blog about me. So I’m aiming to take it back to the whole parenting/pregnancy/labour/birth thing I planned in the first place…maybe.
I really ought to seeing as my Tots100 rating has rocketed (I’m pretty sure it’s incorrect to be honest, but it looks pretty good so I’m not complaining.) and all I have talked about for the past month is how my kids do my head in and how I do my head in and how I’m feeling like proper pants 99.9% of the time. Oh, and anger. There’s a lot of anger. And swearing (we like swearing here.)
Well, I’m not doing a massive amount of it at the moment as I’ve just stuck my headphones on, whacked up the drum n bass heavy sounds innit.
Both kids are sleeping and OH is still awake so that’s ok right? After all, I have learning and shit to do.
Posted in Parent
As I mentioned before I wasted a lot of my youth and early 20s claiming to be a writer (lol!) and working on my novels. Both of them are in a box in the loft and its highly unlikely they’ll ever see the light of day again.
Recently, through blogging, I began to feel the writing itch again. This is never a good sign. Well, it is for me because it means I’m going to be able to retreat to a happy place when things get crap. For the rest of the world, it means that there is the possibility that I may ask someone to read my awful manuscript.
So, one day that it as just O and I here I went back through the beginning of the fantasy novel I was trying to write just before I fell pregnant with the Toddler.
I was going to do a rewrite but decided that I actually liked whilst I already had…so I tried to continue. Fail.
In my frantic search for tips, I found out about NaNoWriMo, and my view changed.
Now, when November hits, I’ll be aiming for those 50k words. I seriously doubt I will have time to get 50k done and will be happy knocking around half of that.
It’s a challenge. One I’m very excited about.
I’ll keep you posted!
I live for weekends. I love my breaks. I love being able to spend some time cleaning the house without worrying about him screaming for cuddles or her drawing on the TV.
On Saturday, I woke up and came downstairs. Normally, I would have done the washing up on the Friday night so it wouldn’t be the first thing I had to face on Saturday morning. Sadly, I had broken the discipline and decided not to do it. I had been told it would be done, so when I came downstairs and was faced with it, I was not impressed.
I got a chance to go back to bed at 9.30ish and then was woken up at 10.10 to feed. O fell asleep so I rested and had a break until 11 30. I brave downstairs and he announces he wants a shower. He has shower then does lunch. He serves up beans on toast (bread not cut) and expects me to be able to eat one-handed while I feed O again.
Then he buggers off. So I’m sat looking at my food going cold, O on the boob and her shouting “finished” and waving crusts in the air while he’s having a seemingly “urgent” conversation with our lodger.
I get to eat and he decides O needs to sleep so he takes him. I then clean up my dinner stuff and sort washing out. Then I say jokingly we should go get an EEE Pad Transformer this afternoon.
He says “We could go get the pieces for the computer…” then disappears off to the other room to look on said computer for parts.
I was so fed up. I wish I could just leave the room willy nilly and not have to worry about looking after two small children, but my life doesn’t work like that. I have to schedule in time to clean the house, or do the washing up/washing/cleaning when the children go to bed and I’m dead on my feet.
Sometimes I wish he could see it’s not just one thing that makes me snap, it’s the bigger picture.
Last Friday I had my hair cut. Short.
Before I went I was warned by OH not to have it above shoulder length. He doesn’t like short hair.
My hair was waist length and matted. I’d just wash it, brush it as best I could in the limited time I had, and tie it back. It was driving me mad.
See, when I had the Toddler, things like personal appearance fell by the wayside. Sometimes just finding 10 minutes to jump in the shower was a struggle.
Now its worse. Now I have to carefully choose how to spend the sneaky ten minutes I get without them. And my choice was not untangling the brush from my hair for the 14th time.
So it got the chop.
It might seem a bit weird but the haircut was actually a lot more than chopping off some hair. It was actually about feeling human again. Mostly about feeling like me again and not Mummy Milk Bar.
When you have a baby, you suddenly go from being a creative individual to being a full-time, overtime, all the time carer. During this transition you can lose part of yourself.
I hid behind the mummy mask. It made me fearless and less self-conscious yes, but it also meant I wasn’t me.
I love the newfound confidence and the fact that my personal appearance means next to nothing to me. I can walk into any room and not give a crap.ic they stare at my jogging bottoms, faded t-shirt and flip-flops. But sometimes its nice to have a picture taken or catch a glimpse of myself and not think “oh well, I look shit because I’m a mum.”
On Friday 22nd of July OH took an exam. ITIL foundation.
There was little to no drama about it and I’m pretty sure I only found out he was taking it about a week before.
We have to do the same exam where I work, but we get a five-day residential course and huge build up.
It surprised me the amount of drama there hadn’t been about this exam. And then I realised that this was part of the self-absorption I’m suffering from for having to look after two children.
First of all I don’t remember him mentioning the exam prior to this week. He must have known. Maybe he did mention it and I just wasn’t listening for whatever reason. Then I wasn’t really there to offer support.
Since having the Toddler I’ve felt like there was a limit to how much attention, help, backup and even love I can offer other people. Now I have two babies, I’m spread even more thinly, devoting day and night to ensure they both have what they need yo be healthy and happy.
It’s strange because OH seemed to accept my non-involvement and disinterest in the exam but can’t understand my limited emotions. Being so disinterested and detatched has caused me massive concerns though. If I have managed to distance myself so much from OHs life then why are we carrying on as a couple? Ok. I know new babies cause a shift in focus but surely a distance this substantial is cause for concern?
By the way, he passed the exam with 85%.
As you know, last week my little girl was quite ill. She had a temperature on and off and was on antibiotics for a “crackley lung.”
We were all at my mums having our normal Monday night gathering. It was,quite obvious she was off colour but she wasn’t being terrible.
O was feeding on and off and had just finished when the Toddler wandered up.
“Cuddle?” She asked,me, pulling the I’m so tired and really need some mummy love face. I hoisted her onto my lap and she immediately nuzzled into my neck. Then I felt on odd, wet…
“Lick!” She exclaimed, lapping at my neck. “Lick!”
She then started licking my T-shirt right by my boobs and saying lick lick! She tried to lift my top, eventually saying “boob.”
I had to say no. As much as I have seriously considered renewing our feeding relationship I already have one child who drinks me dry throughout the day. I think two would just exhaust me.
It is the first time she has asked. She has had plenty of opportunity to be curious, but she has mostly looked, watched and listened to me feeding and said “mummy feeding Oscar. Oscar’s eating! Having a drink.”
Since last Monday she hasn’t asked again. It makes a little sad as I’ve had to concede that our special mummy cuddles time has definitely ended with no chance of being revived.
Would you have used the opportunity to resume feeding?