After the panic attack last week, I’ve been on a bit of a slippery slope.
Stress induced nausea is not fun.
Monday saw me trying to get an appointment at the Doctors, failing and feeling really shitty and as if no one wanted to help me.
Tuesday I went to a playgroup, knew no one, heard some women talking crap about breastfeeding and almost had a go at them. I also found the staff member who came over to introduce herself quite condescending. Oh and L wanted a drink, they told me snack time was over and then I caught one of the Cousins with a juice and a snack! So yeah, really not fun. But I did get to have a heart to heart with OHs sister which I really enjoyed.
Ballet in the afternoon made me feel even worse when one of the other mums that I sort of know in passing turned up with her toddler and a 13 week old (I didn’t know she had two). Her hair was done, she was wearing makeup and her kids behaved beautifully. I hadn’t bothered to brush my hair, I was sweaty from a morning of chasing the toddler around and the Toddler decided to climb on the stage and refuse to go back in the car. Oh and O needed to be fed all the way through. So yeah, that left me feeling pretty crappy. Especially when this woman started saying about how hard it was having 2! I know, I don’t know what her story is, and I don’t know that she didn’t just make herself up and things so that she didn’t feel shitty. I’m probably being a bit unfair, but I was struggling.
Wednesday morning, shitting myself, I went to another playgroup with OHs sister….
And loved it.
The group has a very women friendly community feel. The kids are in an entirely safe environment. Everyone pitches in. They have an arts and crafts half hour, which L loved. They even got out the bouncy chair for O so I didn’t have to carry him around. The other mothers were lovely and the ladies who run it were absolutely magnificent. Loved it loved it. Hearts.
Wednesday afternoon I went to view a preschool for L while we are still having issues. Ended up enrolling her. There was another woman there whose little girl and L kept fighting. When I say fighting I mean they kept trying to sit on the same chair. L is VERY strong-willed (why we clash – she’s as pig-headed as her mother!) and if someone is doing something unfairly, she will correct them. (I caught her telling older children off for going up the slidey bit of the slide on Tuesday!) Seeing as The Toddler seemed pretty at home there, we went for it. Plus they gave us free food (always a bonus!)
Thursday I spent the morning with OHs sister again. More bonding and chatting. I wish there was something I could do to help her just get some time to herself at the moment so she can finish the things she needs to do, but short of taking her kids in place of my own, right now I’m helpless. All I can do is go round there and make sure cousin 3 and cousin 4 and L and O don’t kill each other. Maybe that’s enough for now.
Then today. Today was L’s first day at the preschool. We dropped her off (late) and then came home and did some housework. We now have a nice clean bedroom (you couldn’t see the floor for laundry before) and O and I had some lovely cuddles and spent some time together just laughing at each other. When she came home, she napped and then seemed a lot calmer than she has been. She was well-behaved there too. I think this is going to be good for her. I’ve booked her in for Mondays and Fridays for the next couple of weeks. I still have no idea what I’m going to do once our Childminder comes back, but I’ll worry about that when we get to it. For the moment, I have two days a week which aren’t costing us any extra where I can actually get the house cleaned up and not looking like a crap hole.
I made a wanker sign at some impatient idiot who then pulled up beside me at the traffic lights. What a dick (me!) I seriously thought he was going to get out and twat me one. It’s horrible having to avoid eye contact with the driver in the car next to you knowing that you just called him a name and he’s probably seething and thinking “There’s enough time for me to get out here…” Luckily he didn’t and the whole incident was a bit of a misunderstanding anyway. I could have talked my way out of it. Probably.
This evening I had to go out and feed mums cat, who is really very lonely already and it’s only night 1. I did give her some fussing and made sure everything was clean ready for my bro in the morning, so she should be ok. I’ll go and give her some more love tomorrow.
On the way back, without the kids in the car and driving around in the dusk, I realised that when I start the massage part of my business, this is the time I would be going to work. And it felt GOOD. Now I can’t wait for the journey to begin.