I don’t know what to call this post really.
I want to talk about bereavement, so if you feel this may trigger, please don’t read on.
I found out via Facebook that someone I worked with ten years ago passed away.
I had spoken to her a few times since adding her as a Facebook friend and found her posts honest, entertaining and a true reflection of the bubbly and vibrant person I remember.
We knew each other in a time before children – many years before mine and a year or so before she fell pregnant with hers. A time when I was a different kind of mental. Despite this, we always got on well.
I’m still in shock. I really cannot believe she has gone.
It has been bought to my attention that I can be a bit ranty on Twitter and the blog…
No shit sherlock!!
My Twitter account and this here ole blog were a whim, something I did one night just to see what it was like. I use Twitter to vent. Pure and simple. Piss me off, expect tweets.
I actually like that a lot of IRL people don’t follow me. It gives me anonymity, it should stop me being censored (haha fail) and it let’s me be honest. I accept that not everybody has the same opinions as me and by all means you are as entitled to your views as I am, but if you don’t like swearing, tweets about poop and how frustrated I get home alone with a bored toddler and a booby leech then this is not the place for you. If I don’t have Twitter to shout into I go a bit stir crazy. Plus all the people I tweet regularly are awesome and I like to think that sometimes my “not all pooping rainbows” attitude helps. Maybe.
The blog is for thoughts…brain farts. These can range from a justification of my existence (like this one – head is fucked, stomach is sick etc) to a list if stuff that happened. It’s all here. One of many online journals. And ever since I started writing journals in the late 90s they have been angry and angsty – so you should probably expect that too. And obviously more tales of poo, although the potty training updates should probably wait for another post.
My Facebook is an entirely different beast again. It’s mostly family and real life friends. I don’t want them to know I’m pretty batshit insane (although my closest friends and family know this and love me for it) so I tend to tame it down. A lot. Sometimes I vent the teeniest bit on there just so that people know I’m still not getting much sleep and having to deal with a feral child, but it really is nothing compared to Twitters live feed of shouting, screaming, wanting to tear the house down and piss on the carpet.
There is a reason I have two email accounts. There is a reason I don’t follow people on Facebook. There is a reason I don’t post to Facebook and Twitter on the same account and there is a reason my Twitter ID isn’t on Facebook.
Enough justification for you?
So, I’ve just come back in from my increasingly regular binge eating sessions. I’m upset so it was four biscuits, a Lindor, a chunk of cheese, some left over Quavers, a scone and a choccy Rocky bar. Don’t worry, I’m a size 8, still breastfeeding, have a fast metabolism and will probably feel too nauseous to eat dinner.
I’m all for honesty and telling it like it is. I think people should be free to express their opinions and feelings freely in their little corner of the internet.
You know why?
How can other people know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell them? How can other people know that what they’re feeling is normal? How can you find other people who get it if they don’t know what it is?
The problem we come across a lot as mothers is that there is a stigma. There is a stigma about saying you can’t cope or that your kids make you so angry and frustrated you can’t see straight. We are expected to go online and sing the praises of our children who have made our day miserable being bored, while we are lonely and actually just want a virtual hug and for someone to say “yeah, they grow out of that.”
You may think I focus too much on the negatives. If you don’t like what I write, don’t read it. The internet is my place to vent. It’s the little space I have away from my kids where I can express just how much I hate being kicked in the face during nappy changes. I do love my children. And as I’ve said before, it is only because I love them so much that they can wind me up to the point where I want to turn my own face inside out.
The reason people don’t say these things? Judgement, accusations of not loving their kids.
These judgements are why some women suffer in silence, feeling isolated and alone. This is why some of us are medicated zombies, lead to believe that we need to put up and shut up because we wanted the children.
Sometimes people who should know better cast these judgements instead of offering an ear and a cup of tea.
You should never be ashamed of your feelings and you should never ever feel like you can’t express them freely. You’ll be surprised at how many other voices will say “me too!”
Posted in Emotional, Observation, Parent
Tagged depression, expression, Facebook, feelings, honesty, isolation, judgement, O, tact, Toddler, twitter
My cousin gets married soon. My brother works for her dad (my uncle). Her mother (Aunty MW) delivered my two babies.
My cousin said on fb that she had been called a spoiled brat at work. Now, as she’s working with my bro and my other aunt and other aunt has commented “you said what?” I assume (yes, that makes an ass out of you and me. Sigh) that the brother had said this to my cousin. I post
Wtf? Jealous much?
Now that might seem horrid but my brother has some anger issues. He’s managed to scare off two girlfriends with them and he states he rules his new household with an iron fist, instilling discipline and values in “his” children. The children are his girlfriends from her marriage. Their father still owns half the house my brother lives in and sees them every weekend. She doesn’t want any more children so it is unlikely he will have his own kids if he stays with her.
His girlfriend just posted “your brother is one of the least jealous people I know.”
I had to laugh. He is extremely jealous. Of me because I have my own children. Of my Uncle because he owns the business. Of my cousins because of the way they live their lives. Of everyone who has something he doesn’t have.
For the record it was my other aunt who started the whole thing and I openly retracted the comment.
I’ll be willing to bet that my brother and his gf will be gunning for blood now though.