As you can imagine, everything at the moment is a litte bit hazy.
I’ve given a start date on the new job, although I’m still prevented from sharing my news with my collegues. Office politics.
I know there will be at last two people who will be super gutted to hear about it. Maybe I should wait to tell them in person. Haha. I’m not evil. Really I’m not. Just sick of certain things kicking me repeatedly in the face.
And I get my name on the door. Yeeeeeehhhhhaaaaa!!!
Ls epilepsy has kicked us though. Really kicked us. It’s a life changing thing, you know? Selfishly I keep thinking that I can’t let this ruin my chances at this job. I can’t seem unreliable. I’ve not told my new boss about it because I don’t want him to regret his decision to employ a) a woman in an extremely male dominated environment and b) a mother who needs to leave the office all the time.
I remember I took a lot of time off with L being ill before going on mat leave. Just coughs, colds and viruses, but still.
It might be hard to persuade OH that he will have to take over at least some of the responsibility for sick-care.
I also feel a bit like I haven’t had a chance to be happy or excited about the new job. Mainy because I have been worrying myself extremely thin about L and her diagnosis.
Not really helping the anxiety.
2011 was overall a good year, despite my constant whining on here.
Here’s a run down.
I got to watch my little girl blossom from the last days of baby to a cheeky, stubborn yet gorgeous and hilarious toddler.
I became part of a community of very special people who I have never met but have provided more support than they’ll ever realise.
I rediscovered blogging/journalling which has helped keep me sane.
I gave birth to my son; an experience which has changed my life.
I began my massage course, and learned about becoming a doula and realised that I want to help other women have empowered positive birth experiences.
I completed NaNoWriMo.
I took the time to get to know OHs sister who has a huge heart and a chaotic life. I have no idea how she does it. Even on the tough days she gets up and runs about and still finds time to help others.
Wednesday club was formed. Madness with many children, knitting and cake.
So, as 2011 draws to a close, I plan to take the good things with me.
I have become completely starved of time.
By time, I mean time to do the important things.
I can blog, tweet and knit whilst O is feeding. And he now feeds all evening.
I can’t do massages or homework while he is clamped on.
This is now becoming a problem as I am unable to do my homework in the evenings. I’m currently feeding to get him to sleep so I can squeeze in an hours anatomy and physiology.
I must not let this overwhelm me.
I have been wondering how much we influence our children’s’ interests in later life.
Obviously the items and stimulus we give them access to in the early years much ultimately have some influence on what they like to do as adults, whether that is as a hobby or a career.
For example: My mother loves music. She’s not fussed on what type and we always had music on in our house. Possibly more often than the TV was on. Her brother played keyboards and my granddad sings (I suspect he has perfect pitch.) My Dads brother was in a band and plays guitar and drums.
Growing up, I was heavily exposed to all these things and ended up taking music very seriously until I was 18. My self-confidence let me down. (something else to beat myself up about!) To this day I still write the odd bit of music and can theorise.
My Mums other brother had a commodore 64 which he showed us how to programme. Again, something that I really enjoyed doing. This time until iw as told that this was not something for girls. (As you can see, I have an excuse for everything!! ) I went into IT at a late stage in my life but I will always recall the early dabblings in Basic.
My granddad played for Southampton FC. My brother also played football.
So, how much did these early exposures define not only my future career but also my hobbies and the things that make me happy? As the Toddler grows up and becomes more and more interested in playing our electric piano, I can’t help but wonder if by accident I have become a pushy parent, forcing her to become involved in my own hobby as an innocent bystander.
Maybe one day she’ll ask me what I think she should do with her life. I have no idea what my answer will be.
After the disaster that was bedtime Thursday, I’ve had a super shit day.
Well, actually, apart from feeling like a crappy parent, the day hasn’t been awful except…
I counted up my mat leave. I only have two weeks left then I’m officially on holiday.
So I had to speak to my boss. He wants me to go in for a meeting. Now I have to go through the motions in order to hopefully get them to agree another 13 weeks mat leave at smp. I’m disheartened, demoralised and tired.
I just want to look after my kids, write my blog, dabble with my novel, knit, massage and look after mamas.
We can’t always get what we want.
Last week, on my 30th birthday, I missed my massage class.
I spent hours feeling terrible about it.
Turns out that I wasn’t suffering the after effects of being up in the night coupled with anxiety at all. Afterall, I’m pretty sure OH, my mums partner and our lodger haven’t caught the tired anxious shits. Nope. I actually had some sort of virus and it’s done the rounds.
Last night it was back to learning and I actually felt much better than I have in a long time. No constant sick feeling, no instant panic attacks in the classroom, no stress headaches.
Is this what it’s like to feel normal?
Anyway, my routine is now up to date, I don’t have a huge wedge of homework and I understand what they did last week when I was absent.
See, it wasn’t as terrible as I made out.
Today I feel awful which means I’m going to whinge and whine, so if you’re sick of it, don’t read on. I’m still gonna write it.
My head still feels a little strange from yesterday, but my stomach hasn’t protested too much over breakfast so I’m hoping I’ve seen the back of that bit.
I’m having a low day. All over missing class last night. I feel like I let them down and let myself down and will now be playing catch up. I wish I could have made it to half term. I keep thinking that all last night proves is that I’ve bitten off way more than I can chew and wasted a lot of time and money in the process.
I feel like something has got to give and last night it did. So today I’m back to looking for a new childcare solution for a return to work. At least it would be a constant income and I would have an excuse for the house being covered with a thick layer of crap.
I wish I didn’t have hairbrained schemes.
*goes back to bed in the hope things look better after some sleep*