Monthly Archives: February 2014

Memory Loss

My memory is going.

I already have gaps from my childhood; years and years where I can’t remember a damn thing. I’ve been told what happened, and as the brain is a fantastic thing, I’ve pieced together memories based on vague ideas. Other people have such great tales of mischief from their formative years. I have memories of crying in toilets, feeling hurt, and being rejected and ousted by my peers. Of course good things happened. The events surrounding my first crush taught me about friendship, relationships and teenage boys. The moments of painful self-awareness contrasted with extreme arrogance taught me how to control my inner (and not-so-inner!) idiot and gave me a way to avoid being a victim of those traits in others. I don’t have any moments of daring or extreme excitement. All of my happiest memories, or what’s left of them, are tinged with anxiety and tension as I recall the lies, the bullying and the intensity of the feelings behind them.

That scares me. It scares me that I’ve forgotten growing up. Even the things that I thought would stay with me forever have faded into mere flashes.

The memory loss is getting worse. I put things down and can’t remember where I put them (my glasses, keys and the kids’ sippy cups often falling foul of this). I can’t remember events, both upcoming and already passed. I can’t remember whether something happened this morning, last night, last week or last year. My perception of the passage of time has become both minutely compressed and impossibly stretched.

I’m not sure whether this is another symptom of the anxiety and depression or whatever it is, or a side-effect of packing my days full of nappies and kids and breastfeeding and cuddling and playing and shouting and chatting and working to the point where my mind feels it’s an inefficient waste of time to switch off to sleep. 

Epilepsy update

Hello again.

It’s been a few months, hasn’t it?

Anyway, I’ve been updating some other blogs and having a break away from writing but now I think it’s time for a good old brain-fart.

L was diagnosed with epilepsy 2 years ago after a traumatic 40 minute tonic-clonic seizure. She did a three day stay on hospital where she had an EEG which (at that time) had indications consistent with Benign Rolandic Epilepsy in Childhood (BRE, BREC). She had an MRI just to make sure and when that came back all normal, her neurologist began a monitoring program.

The day before her next consultation, she had complex partial seizure. We did an ambulance journey and spent four hours waiting in A &E majors ( the bit where they have all the seriously ill patients which is pretty gruelling) to be told to go home and update her consultant the next day.

She was then put on six monthly monitoring where she would be discharged if she had nothing after a year.

Well, the first six months were fine, then she started school. We thought “magic hand” – she describes it as her hand moving on its own and says its tingly – was an aura, however when she started to get magic hand more than a couple of times a week, I began to wonder if this was far more significant.

I brought it up with her neuro at the last consultation and she said it is likely to be partial seizures, especially as its generally accompanied by a short period of confusion, clinginess, or feeling strange.

We are now into a new ball game with the epilepsy. No, it’s not severe, but if magic hand is seizure activity, she has had probably 20 seizures over the two year period and seems to have them in clusters when she’s tired. This could lead to the need for medication and that’s a pretty scary thing as it could potentially change her personality.

Anyway, as part of this new discovery, she has to have another EEG in the morning. The last one, though indicative, was inconclusive. So this time I’m hoping for some answers. It won’t change much, but it’ll better prepare us for the future.