I have been subjected to the horror that is the playground far too many times for my delicate nerves to take recently.
L finished preschool today. And I could not be happier.
We walked in and she immediately ran off to be with all her friends – all the girls she has invited to her birthday party (only one has responded so far).
Only my child could choose to be friends with the group of girls who have probably all known each other from birth.
So I was forced to sit with a clique.
This clique blanked me, talked over L’s head and were generally very clear about their exclusivity, which has left me feeling very raw. Not only for myself and my accentuated “poor parenting” (I was the only parent to get up and dance and sing with L though. I might be shy and anxious but I don’t mind making a complete dick of myself if it means L gets what she needs. And I quite like dancing.) but also for L.
I wanted desperately to be the cool kid at school, and I could see so much of myself in her. The thing is, now I’m wondering how much of a part the other parents in my exclusion. I’m thinking in my case not much – I’m still repeating the same cycles now I’m older – but L is so lively and confident. The other girls wanted to sit with her and hold her hand. She does get invited to parties.
She’s not any more sensitive than the other girls and she is certainly a bright spark. It was so hard to watch the mothers talk over her head, hold their children close, ignore her, while she tried to play with her friends. Maybe I exaggerated it because my childhood (my own doing!) was so bitter and ended with me crying in a corner a lot.
I’m terrified she is going to get cut out of situations because of who I am which has already happened in the past.
Chalk up another parenting fail.