Damage limitation

For all intents and purposes, I am a damaged person.  I am damaged by my parents’ divorce and the reasons for the marriage breakdown. I am damaged by my brothers anger. I am damaged by the bullying I took as a child. Im damaged by the lies I dealt when i was 16.  I’m damaged by an abusive relationship. Im damaged by cheating on someone who loved me unconditionally. I’m damaged by a boy who questioned everything I said and then cheated on me.

These things made me strong.

They also made me very weak.

Everytime I shout at her, I’m damaging her. Everytime I have to physically remove her, or push her away because she is kicking her brother I’m damaging her. Every time I get so close to The Edge with her, I damage her. When I call her names, even in jest, I damage her. When I go to bed without a goodnight, I damage her.  When we leave her to cry, I damage her.

I don’t ever want her to go through the darkness. I never want to see her have a catastrophic confidence failure.  I will blame myself, just like my mum blamed herself. 

It wasn’t my mums fault that I was hurting.  But it will be my fault if my little girl goes through this.

I would like some damage limitation. An intervention. 

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4 responses to “Damage limitation

  1. I’ve been in this same place .. for me, all the fears of parenthood are magnified a thousand times because I don’t trust myself to be everything they need. Mine are 18 and 14, and I blame myself everyday, whether valid or not.

    • I’ve just managed to get a moment on the computer to check out your blog. I love how you talk so openly about yourself and what you’ve been through.
      I’m having a good few days now so it doesn’t feel so bad. I’m thinking that as long as these days outnumber the bad days I have with her, she’ll be ok.
      Back to coping mechanisms.

      • Thanks for the visit. Of course I’m very private and closed-up in real life, so I have to let things out somewhere. I just hope I don’t get discovered again by family 😦 cuz they wouldn’t understand.

  2. This is a tough one.

    I’m not sure that damage is the correct word for most of these. When I stop and think of how much influence I have on who my children will become, it’s bloody terrifying! But we can only do our best and continually reevaluate to improve.

    I hope you’re coping ok. The rage & anger you talked about earlier – I had that but I feel calmer & more at ease these past couple of weeks. Maybe it was baby blues & I’m coming out of the fog. Hope you can find a way.

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