Panic attacks

So, we’re back to this again are we?

I grew up having panic attacks where I would feel extreme nausea.  Mostly when going out to eat (caused by a poor relationship with food) but also during exams, concerts, performances, classroom sessions at work..

I never wrote about it because I thought it was weird and freaky and that people would laugh at the skinny girl who didn’t want to eat, then poke fun at my strange food relationship and cause me a lot more distress!

I controlled the attacks pretty well. I would sit down to eat, will an attack on and then fight it off by eating little mouthfuls or scratching my hand or just talking.  Then I would be fine, knowing I was in control.

When I fell pregnant with the Toddler, the attacks stopped completely. I ate. All the time. Everywhere. The freedom was exhilarating.

It lasted a short while afterwards then they returned and I retrained myself in controlling them.

Sadly, when I was pregnant with O I was ill with stomach bugs twice. And his feet were resting on my stomach for the majority of the 3rd trimester making me nauseous all the time.  Instead of normalising the feeling to a background level, it has bought the attacks on worse.  Now I worry when I feel sick that I won’t be able to control it because I’ve actually got a bug and I’m going to spend the next 12 hours with my head in the toilet bowl while simultaneously shitting myself. Lovely, I know.

On Wednesday we went to OH mums for dinner. I’d spent the last few days feeling dodgy – caused by the current stress of everything I’m guessing.  I ate dinner. All of it. Drank tea…then for the next few hours felt sick and ended up with my head down the pan rubbing my belly.  Hearing either of the kids cry made it worse. Thinking about the drive home made it worse.  Thinking about bed time routines made it worse. OH ended up loading the kids in the car and driving them round the block in an attempt to get O to calm down…and knowing he wasn’t in the house made it worse…EVEN THOUGH HIS MOTHER SAW ME IN ACTIVE LABOUR!!!

Now I’m back to square 1.  I think it might be time to go to the Drs.


4 responses to “Panic attacks

  1. oh love! sounds like you have A LOT on your plate and it would be very worthwhile to talk it through with the Dr. Clearly you want to talk about it or you wouldn’t have blogged, so you’ve made a really positive step. Just feel for you. Motherhood is bloody exhausting and draining at the best of times, so if there’s help out there grab it with both hands. ok, i’m sounding like a never ending cliche now so will stop, but just wanted you to know that you have my sympathy x

    • thank you so much for your support! I’ve not had a panic attack that bad for years. I’ve been reading on the internet (I know I know) and its quite common. I’m now on the edge of the panic attack loop though – panicking about having a panic attack. Eyeroll. I’m going to try wearing travel sickness bands (I wore them thru my pregnancy too) to see if I can stop the stomach churning nausea!

  2. That just sounds horrible. Go to the Drs, please for this and to talk about your PND. Being a mum of two is hard work and you just need to get out of this loop of putting pressure on yourself. Like Lindsay said, talking about it is the first step to getting better. Much love. xxx

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