I always figured I would end up doing more than one post about post-natal depression.
In fact, I had always intended on it getting a page with links here on the blog.
Instead, the most brave thing I have done is hint at it in my posts and talk about feeling like a failure as a parent.
However, I think the failure thing is quite common and not linked to PND.
So, here we go.
I didn’t have PND with my second baby. Or at least if I did, I didn’t suffer as badly. I’m sure I would have known.
After The Toddler was born, I was scared. I was scared of losing her. I was scared of letting her and my family down, I was in pain, I was scared of failing at breastfeeding.
I was going stir crazy and I was lonely.
I walked out.
I self harmed.
I didn’t eat.
I didn’t love my baby.
I wanted to protect her and I looked after her because I had no choice. If I didn’t, she wouldn’t survive. I didn’t bond with her. I was happy for other people pick her up and look after her and take her away. I wanted them to! I didn’t want to cuddle her. I was horrified at myself for not feeling madly in love with her. I was disgusted that I was so ungrateful when there are people out there who can’t have children trying so hard to get pregnant and failing. I was ashamed that I had been one of those people and it had broken my heart that every month we failed and failed, then finally, when she was here, I wanted to take it all back.
I hated my partner. I hated that he got to go to work away from it. (I still don’t like this but he gets it now!)
I had quite a public telling off from someone on Facebook for moaning about not wanting to spend time with my daughter in the early days and ceased to function for two days.
I went to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and met some other lovely mums who felt at war with their children all the time. They told tales of multiple miscarriages, or friends dying, or stillborns and I had none of that. I felt like I was wasting every body elses time just being there.
After O was born, my Health visitor (who also ran the CBT group) asked me about how I felt when I had PND and I was shocked when the memories nearly bought me to tears.
They were dark days.
I’m sad I don’t remember much about The Toddlers’ first few weeks with us.
I feel a little pang of self loathing when I think that I missed out on all those cuddles with her.
I still have bad days now.