I’m all for security. I have a good dose of paranoia. I think shoplifters should be prosecuted as they push prices up for the rest of us. Again, a misdemeanor that spoils everything for the general public.

As you are aware, or at least as you should be aware, going to the supermarket is one of my time killing activities. Shoplifting isn’t.

So, I had purchased my selection (some grows for O, some half price shorts for O a couple of games, soup and tiger bread for lunch). I managed to pack them all into the pannier on the pram and my handbag to do my bit for the environment and went to walk out.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* shoplifter alert.

I didn’t have anything to hide, so I waited. No one came, so I started to walk away.

“Oi, you, back!” A scrawny security guard yells at me as if I were a criminal.  I rolled my eyes thinking his tone and accusatory stare unnecessary.

As an aside, I was pushing the pushchair full of children and carrying my handbag. I know you can’t trust stereotypes, but I wasn’t exactly a young boy wearing a hoody and surrounded by 4 of my “hardest” mates “just in case.”

Because the security guard was so convinced I was doing a snatch and run and because being right turns me into a twat, I went into super helpful mode.

I pulled out the receipt before he could ask and unpacked the bags, trying my very hardest not to be irritated by his attitude towards me.

There were 6 items on the receipt and 6 items now strewn across the nearest cashiers desk.

I asked if he wanted to check my bag for other items and reeled off a list of the things I carry. Notepad, children’s ballet shoes, paracetamol, crayons etc etc. Nope. Didn’t want to check my bag. I ran my hand around the Toddlers seat to make sure she hadn’t grabbed something on the way round. Still no interest. I offered to empty out both children and the shopping basket thing but he shook his head.  He started going through the receipt and immediately spotted the offending item.

Ready to cuff me he said “This isn’t on here.” Smug face. He handed me the £1.70 carrot and coriander soup.

“What?” I said. “But she put it through.’

He eyed me suspiciously. Soup-stealer, his eyes said. How dare you, you mother of two who looks like she hasn’t had time to brush her hair…for at least a week
How dare you!

He showed me the receipt.

JS crt & corndr

First item.

“These aren’t on here.” He switches his focus to the two pack of half price shorts worth a staggering £2.50.

Boys shrts 2pk

4th item.

He was hoping to catch me out.  Probably for the kiddies laptop but that was on there as plain as day.

Still peering at me with suspicion, he packed up all the items bar the laptop and swung them through the sensor.


Obviously disappointed, he handed me the bag.

“Ok. Thank you.” He mumbled, sending me on my way.

I wasn’t pissed off I was stopped. After all the alarms are there for a reason.  I wasn’t even embarrassed as I would rather they caught the thieving shits. What upset me was the power-hungry determination to label me a criminal and slight condescendence.

Sorry matey. No shoplifting mum conviction for you. At least not from me anyway!


One response to “SHOPLIFTER!

  1. The storytelling was spot on. What an idiot security guard!!

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