I am writing to complain about the poor service I have received over the past 5 weeks from you.
If I scream it means I’m hungry and you should dispense immediately. I have heard you claiming that you NEED to eat first or you shall starve. However, if this continues, I shall be forced to poo more in an attempt to obtain full attention as I should be fed first and foremost before all others.
I have also heard you complaining that I am “messing about” when in fact I am preparing the dispenser for maximum dispensing effect. If I then do not wish for it to flood my mouth, I do indeed reserve the right to let it spill on the machinery.
In future, please can you make sure that all pleas for opening, regardless of hour, are met with a prompt responsse. If I can cope with having just two hours sleep between feeding then I’m sure you can.
Also, when I cry at night after feeding, please do not hand me over to the hairy one. I will just continue to cry until you come and serve me yourself. As you are surely aware I am a VIP and require attention from the company director, not one of the minions.