On not coping.

Today has been a bad day. Awful horrid day full of shouting and guilt and negativity.

Under normal circumstances, I would be at work on aa Monday, Wednesday and a Friday, then on Tuesday and Thursday the OH works from home in order to help me out with The Toddler.  With the odd exception – when she’s been ill or he’s had to go in for training or a meeting, this is how it has been since I was diagnosed with PND after having The Toddler.  The OHs job was not ideal though, being 40 miles away up the M3 corridor.

In a style which has become typical of our family, we are not doing things by half. The day we received the keys for our house, my waters broke when I was pregnant with the Toddler. Hell, even before then, after 18 months of trying to get pregnant, it was only after we both got made redundant that we found out we were expanding our family. So, it stands to reason that everything should clash this time.

OH is changing jobs. He finishes his current job tomorrow and starts his new job on Monday. The new job is closer and more money, meaning he can now help with the Toddler-to-childminder drop offs and pickups.  However, he will no longer have the option to work from home twice a week. This has sent me into a frenzy.

You see, I find dealing with her on my own awful. She’s a handful when I’m feeling fine, but when I’m having a bad day and in pain with my hips, she is unbarable and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to manage. The thing is that she isn’t naughty as such, just testing my patience. She knows exactly how to make my blood boil and then she giggles hysterically. But the one thing she does at the moment that drives me more mad than anything else is the climbing. She constantly throws herself at me and my lap and digs her elbows and fists into my chest and belly. I already have one small being digging at me 247 with sharp pointy bits, I don’t need het doing it too. Its like they are conspiring to bruise me from the inside and outside. This makes me snap. Then.I shout and feel guilty because I’ve shouted and pushed her away. Then everything rushes to the surface, including the part where I admit that part of the reason for falling pregnant again was to get me away from my job.  How terrible is that?  Then I remember how much I actually hate being at home on my own with children.  Any children and how I could never be a stay at home mum. I would go bonkers. I have the utmost admiration for women who have more than one child, or who stay at home to look after the house and children. I don’t get any housework done when the Toddler and I are here alone.

I have no idea how to keep her entertained and I feel like, as her mother, I should know. These are things a mother knows right? Not me. Incompetent. We can’t walk anywhere as this causes me massive amounts of pain, so we’re basically stuck in watching freaking CBeebies.  The only bright spot I have at the moment is having Monday, Wednesday and Friday to do as I please as I’m on mat leave but even that has a catch (I told you, we do not do things by half)…

This baby is due on the 30th of May.  The Toddler arrived a week early.  My childminder goes on holiday on the 26th of May and does not return until the 12th of June.  Great timing Desk Monkey, great timing!  This means that over my due date and beyond, not only will I be dealing with the horrible pregnancy crap, I’ll also have a Toddler here full time helping to drive me to insanity.

We thought we may be able to rely a little on OHs mum, but she is being heavily relied on by OHs sister whose hubby is away.  She has four kids.  The eldest has Aspergers, the second eldest is deaf.  The next one down is being a little shitbag at the moment and the youngest is just getting to the Into Everything phase.  I know how hard it is dealing with just one child, who is relatively normal (although that does depend on who you ask.  If you ask my brother, the child expert (LOL) then she is far from normal!) so I now feel like we cannot ask OHs mum to help.  His sister needs her much more than we do.  At least 4 times as much.  I suppose I could go to OHs sisters and we could not cope together, but I’m not sure we wouldn’t just end up locking all the children and her dog in a shed and drinking too much wine.

My mum, great though she is, still works a full time job, so cannot be available during the day.  She’s not even been able to get time off work around my due date, so that’s completely out.  My grandparents have offered to help where they can, but they are in their 70s and I can’t ask my nan to keep driving here.  My dad lives in Bracknell and works in London…  I have some great friends who have offered to come and help but I can’t keep relying on people because I have a head full of neurosis and feel like I’m failing all the time.

I have already begun to feel totally isolated and I’ve not even had to look after her alone today.  She drove us mental asking for the potty and then refused to use the thing.  She then jumped all over me pretty much all morning, so we had lunch and then I took her to mums…where she promptly fell asleep!  While she was sleeping mum told me not to push her away otherwise she would end up like me, meaning that she would end up a non-touchy feely person who isn’t great at hugs.  At the moment., The Toddler is super affectionate with myself and her father.   I don’t want to take that away from her.  It’s all very hard.

In conclusion, it’s not been a great day.  I don’t want to fuck her up, or make her hate us, or feel guilty all the time about what has happened, but I just can’t help it.  Maybe I’m still stuck in a a bit of a depressive loop and need to speak to my GP? Argh!

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