On not being a very good parent.

Sometimes I’m a terrible mum.  I don’t know how she puts up with it.  Sometimes I scream and shout at her when she just wants to be near me, sometimes I upset her because I’m upset, sometimes I ignore her when she needs me.

Tuesday was one of those days.  Mainly because I was in a lot of pain.  This frustrated both of us as she can’t go out when I’m in pain and I can’t have her jumping all over me as it hurts.  I’m a bit of a wounded animal when I hurt.  This was not helped by the extremely late night had by all the night before.

So in the end, it was quite a bad day.

I have days were I realise that I’m not really cut out for this mummy thing.  Some people can do it and are naturally good at it.  I still feel like I look and feel awkward with the Toddler.  I’m also not good with other kids or thinking of things to do.  I don’t like the thought of babysitting and going to a house where there are other peoples kids is my idea of hell.

I see other mums (particularly those with 2 or more children) and I wonder how they do it.  I have no idea.  I have issues with the one.  I have been told you cope.  And you just cope because you can.

I also don’t understand mums who like being stay at home.  It’s just not me.  I don’t know if that actually makes me a bad mum, or what, but I can’t think of anything more horrible than spending all day every day with my child.  I love her dearly, but we drive each other insane!

Then there are the single mums who get the chance to have their children go to their fathers house once a week.  I want to be one of those.  Best of both worlds.  You get to spend all week with your child and just when you think you can’t take it any more, the other parent comes and takes them away to give you a break.

I know, it’s not all that easy, but I see some women posting on facebook about the nights out they have once a week without the kids. I wonder what it would be like to have that freedom. It’s very rare that we get to go out. Most of my friends are male and are also my partners friends, so going out without him would be very odd.

Thank goodness I had Wednesday to recover from Tuesdays beating.   She’s just not quite old enough to understand that she can’t jump on my lap and play row row with me all the time and that if she throws herself at me, it really hurts.

Luckily for me, whilst I’m on maternity leave my childminder is still looking after her three days a week, so I DO get a break.  Time to do all the things I can’t do when she’s here (cleaning, housework, hoovering, making things…)  I even managed to stave off most of the guilt although I must admit it does feel funny being here without her and knowing that someone else is looking after her.  I mean, I have every right to take her to the childminders.  I am, after all, paying for it and would be paying for it regardless, so I may as well use the service, but it doesn’t stop me feeling slightly guilty about “passing her off” on someone else when she is my responsibility and I should be looking after her.

On the flip side, the spare room is almost ready to become a bedroom and I have been able to get some much needed rest during the day.

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