Monthly Archives: May 2011


I’ll always remember this song from my A level music class.  We had to pick out certain notes and annotate them.  By the end of this particular bit, the entire class was singing along.  It was pretty irritating…

Much like my daughter at the moment.  But I can’t blame her for that.  Lots of things are changing in her little world right now.  First of all, there is the fact that over the last couple of weeks she’s learnt to form 2 and 3 word sentences.  Sometimes, we even get a whole string of words thrown at us, although it is mostly gibberish.

Then there is the fact her Daddy (precious precious daddy) has a new job.  This is one of the most significant changes and is taking a toll on her behaviour.  Daddy was always around on the days when Mummy is here to help look after her.  Now Daddy doesn’t get work from home days and has to go into the office (albeit a much closer office) 5 days a week. The week before last, when this change happened, she ended up at home with just Mummy for company for four days.  She has not been with just Mummy for any length of time for probably over a year, so this threw her a bit.  She spent the whole of the first day asking where Daddy was.  She new accepts that “Daddy at work” and doesn’t seem to be outwardly bothered about it. You can tell though, just by the way she is with him when he’s here that she misses him.

Last week, her behaviour plummeted to new depths at the childminders and made Mummy doubt her ability to raise a lovely, good mannered child.  Punching other children in the head is not something Mummy and Daddy like. And all after Daddy dropped her off and she had a screaming fit.

Thursday, Mummy caught her cuddling and kissing Mummy’s phone.  It has a picture of Daddy on it.

“Do you miss Daddy?”

*saddest face in the world* – “Yeah.”

I know, she has to get used to it.

Problem is that her behaviour is just getting worse.  She doesn’t care about where Mummy is.  She will even say goodbye to Mummy, as long as Daddy is there.  At night, she is refusing to sleep until around 10.30, although Mummy and Daddy believe this is caused by the next change – an imminent new arrival.

She is a bright bright girl.  She uses her toy microphone to listen to the “baby in her belly”. Not bad for 20 months.  She is well aware that her life is about to change again.  Not only will Daddy not be available, but things are going on with Mummy too.  Mummy and Daddy think she’s scared she’s going to wake up and they’ll be gone.  Problem is, this could happen.  When baby comes, Grandma is going to come here to take care of her while Mummy and Daddy go to the hospital and Mummy has asked to go and spend a couple of days in the local birthing centre to recover.  So one day, it is likely she will wake up and it will be Grandma (or possibly “Stinky Pete” – Mummy’s Uncle) here and not Mummy and Daddy and the next time she sees them they will be cuddling a new baby and won’t need her any more and…

It’s hard being a Toddler.

It’s even harder controlling the Mummy-guilt.


Breastfeeding photo


Me bfing the Toddler in 2009.
Ironically this photo is on fb.

Announcing pregnancy

I always feel a bit odd when I see a pregnancy announcement that says whoever it is just got a positive test.  Not that I begrudge these people, but miscarriage is so common in early pregnancy I always feel a bit scared that they won’t make it to the 13 week mark.

It’s obviously completely personal choice when you announce and my own neurosis comes in to play when deciding to tell people, but we’ve always waited.

With my first pregnancy, we didn’t say anything until after the 13 week scan. Close family knew as I had issues with bleeding and was even rushed to hospital as a result. My line manager at work found out when i was 11 weeks as a result of my hospital visit. As you can imagine, it was a very tense time for us and we were highly aware that bleeding can be a big problem in early pregnancy.

My second pregnancy was not announced at all. In fact, we were shocked I was even pregnant again. The Toddler was 4 months old, I was breastfeeding and I had had one period. Then nothing…and a positive pregnancy test. We weren’t really ready for another baby, so when the bleeding started again at about 5 weeks, we feared the worst, but were also a bit relieved. I went for an early scan and it was revealed I had a blighted ovum. The sac measured 6 weeks and was empty. They told me to come back in ten days. I don’t remember those days. I was devastated. I convinced myself it was the sickness bug I’d had that had caused this. I kept hoping that when I went back, they would find something. Sadly, at the repeat scan, they found the sac had grown, was measuring 7 weeks, but was still empty. I opted for an ERPC to remove it as the other options weren’t suitable (you can’t take the pill while breastfeeding and waiting would have driven me insane as I was already in therapy for PND). I was just glad when the whole ordeal was over.

My third pregnancy started off the same,way, as before. Bleeding around 5-6 weeks. In fact, had it not been for my other half being particularly persuasive, I wouldn’t have known I was pregnant again. I was still breastfeeding (yeah, it is NOT a contraceptive!) and my body was still recovering from the operation. My monthlies were every 28 days, light, but lasting for 10 days and mostly made up of black discharge. I was convinced something was wrong, so I thought that after my September period, I would go to the docs and ask for a scan to check for problems.

My last period was 13th of August. On the 13th of September, I took a test and it was negative. On the 19th, OH convinced me to take another test in the morning. I got up at about 5 am and peed on a stick. It went negative for about two seconds, then went very positive. So he was right.

I didn’t say anything…for a couple of weeks and then the bleeding started. I had to tell my boss about the situation due to the potential for needing time of. He was surprisingly understanding and I went for a scan.

They found a sac measuring 4.5 weeks…and empty. I was completely heartbroken. How could the same thing be happening again? This time we had been ready to welcome new baby and we had been tricked. The sonographer was sorry that she couldn’t tell us anything else and advised that it was entirely possible it was still too early. Again, I had a ten day wait…

My rescan fell on the would have been due date for my second pregnancy – 11th October. I went along, expecting them to tell me the sac was empty and I would need one more scan before they booked another ERPC. I had warned my boss I would likely need an operation and we provisionally arranged cover and holiday as necessary. I laid on the bed and had an internal scan and…HEARTBEAT…YOLK SAC…CORPUS LUTEUM…it was all there. The whole shebang. I was actually pregnant. I spent the rest of the day on a high but still told very few people.

Around 9 weeks, I fell ill. A horrible stomach bug. I spent a night throwing my guts up and then bled. A lot. With pain. I thought that was it, and my MW was on hols at the time, so I just ignored it as best I could. If the bleeding or cramps got really bad, I would go to the hospital, but I would have rather dealt with it at home where I could call on my family and friends.

The bleeding didn’t increase, but carried on for four days. I decided to go to the drs. He expressed concern and booked me in for a scan. I was around 11 weeks at this time. The day of the scan I got up, dropped the Toddler off at the childminders, went to work, cancelled my scan appointment and sat at my desk crying. I had had a dream that I’d been told the baby didn’t have a heartbeat and I didn’t want to see that on the screen. I wanted to just wait it out and hope my body did what needed to be done. The hospital obviously didn’t know, so sent me an appointment for my nuchal. After 24 hrs of fighting with my OH about going, I finally relented, absolutely convinced the news wouldn’t be good, despite feeling the very distinctive heavy feeling low down resting on my bladder.

The scan showed everything was fine and I was relieved beyond belief. I went into work and announced that I was expecting. The bastards made me buy biscuits!

So, I always get a bit nervy when people announce pee sticks. Luckily, all the ones I’ve seen so far have been fine, but one day, one won’t and my heart will break for them.

Let’s talk about Sex, baby…

Or more precisely – Let’s talk about sex to help make this baby arrive.

We have decided to start the natural induction thing.  We didn’t get a chance to do this last time as I had problems in the pregnancy and was wary, and said “Once I get to 40 weeks”.  Well, at 39 weeks, my waters broke and you aren’t allowed to have any kind of …well, you aren’t allowed to…well…there;s risk of infection if you…you get the picture.  So, when our MW told us to try stimulation, we had to do other things.  And they didn’t work.

So, this time, even though the pregnancy started with bleeding and problems, we have started trying the natural method of induction prior to my due date.  Induction is sort of a by-product of both of us knowing that this is the last chance we will get to be intimate as I will need to heal after the birth, so yeah, we’re on the case.

Now, as people who have had sex during the last few weeks of pregnancy will know, everything down there is a little different.  There are pressures where there weren’t pressures before and it is slightly distracting having a baby bounce around while you are trying to get jiggy.  Plus there is the added discomfort of trying to find a suitable position.  I won’t go into too many details about what we have tried, but me on top seems to work the best.  OH is little weirded out when baby squirms when my belly is pressed against his though, for obvious reasons.

Enough of the gory bits.  What I really want to talk to you about is what happens AFTER the sex and other things (my man is a gentleman after all!)

We both curled up for sleep, but I got up about 30 minutes later to go to the toilet and realised that my back was hurting.  Period pain throbbing hurting.  I’ve been having some of these “contractions” for a few weeks, but last night was by far the most intense.  I would say it was almost unbearable.  This thought upset me somewhat as I was not prepared to believe it was labour already and, having had one child, I know what labour feels like.  I don’t want to wuss out this time and end up with an epidural as I was so insanely stubborn last time.  But the PAIN.  I couldn’t get back to sleep properly and the only thing that seemed to ease it was pacing the landing.   Now, after not really worrying about birth and labour, I’m starting to get slightly edgy.  I’ve been there going “yeah, trust your body” etc but mine seems to be putting me through pre-agony agony and I’m terrified I won’t make it through this birth.  Serves me right really for feeling so confident about my labour last time.  Wrong time to start a self-doubt session.  I just hope when it comes to it, all this pain has been working my cervix nicely and I’ll be able to push this baby out with the confidence I have declared publicly but am beginning to doubt.

This pain went on until about 4am when I managed to get myself back to sleep.  Once again, today I have had nothing.  A few Braxtons.  Nothing else.  All that for nothing.

So, while I’m bring all brave:


39 weeks

Stretchmarks and all!

Proud mummy moment – Toddler ballet

OHs sister teaches ballet locally.  She also started up a Toddler ballet session in her local community centre which is aimed at 18mth to 3 yr olds.  She kept asking me yo take The Toddler along and each time has been met with an excuse.  Well, OHs mum mentioned it to me recently and with my newfound key to SAHM (ie. Go out as often as you can!) I thought I had nothing to lose.

So, aware that she may sleep through the entire session (just as she slept through the trip to the pet shop) I went along.  It did not begin well.

I am a shockingly terrible driver and I had to drive down a main high street.  This started my blood boiling.  Then I went to turn down the wrong road and upset a lot of people when I changed my mind.   Then I showed off my awful parking skills in front of the other mums by almost driving my car down a hill.  I’m tired and hormonal so was almost in tears by this point.  I cry when I’m nervous…

But I was there, and the Toddler was there and…fast asleep.

I sighed and got her out the car regardless.  OHs sister was extremely welcoming as was the other mother I knew there.  We got into the hall, I changed the Toddler into her skirt and took off her shoes and off we went.

I participated as best I could but The Toddler was clearly the shining star of the show.  The other mums kept commenting on how well she was doing and every time she copied the other girls (who were all older than her) and joined in, my already quite tender heart swelled. I must admit having to hide my face on more than one occasion for fear of crying and looking like an idiot.

I’m soooo proud of her.  She may be ungraceful, and fall over her own feet but she has the confidence to give it her all, hold her own and be a little star.  She clearly adored it, so its something we are going to work into our weekly schedule now.

Everyone is doing it.

We are at home, my bros gf and I just waiting for labour.

I start having gentle,but regular contractions, so does she.  They have lost their mws number, so I give them one for a local mw I know called Tracey.  Next thing I know were all in a birthing room.  Loads of us.  My bro, my OH, mw, and a whole host of people I don’t know.  Bros gf is leaning against the mw, unable to speak to through the contractions.  We’re all gawping at her.  Her hair still looks perfect.  The mw tells her she’s ready and lays her down on the bed on her back to push and I think that’s odd.  She vomits on me and empties her bowels.  My own contractions are still too gentle.

“I’ll have to do this in a minute.” I say to OH but we both know I’m being optimistic.  It’ll be hours, days even before I’m at that stage.

Bros gf starts pushing and nothing happens.  She’s already had two kids, this should be easy.  Then I remember they were both c-sections and pushing is new to her.
Her baby decides its had enough and opens it’s bowels and we’re all just watching as they rush her to theatre.

I wake up.  Backache, braxtons, pain and remember that bros gf is not even pregnant, I don’t know any mws called Tracey…

But the uncomfortable feeling, you see that’s real. I look at the clock. 4.44. I count to thirty while my belly is solid and my back throbs. It eases and I get up to wee. Back to bed. 5.09 and here comes another one. The last time it felt like this was on the birthing ball after induction. I was 4cm dilated at the time. Again, thirty seconds. This is promising. 5.22 – another one. Ok, surely this is business. I should get some sleep. But it hurts. Don’t be a wimp. It’ll hurt more than this. A lot more. Sleep through this bit.

“Hello mummy!” My daughter is in my face and its 7.17. And…nothing. Nothing at all. Shower, breakfast, Tweenies…NOTHING!

I’m power walking to the shops later.

Is this it?

Today, I am 39 weeks pregnant.

No signs of labour yet.

Well, I say no signs, but that would be a lie.  Things that are TMI have started happening, but none of the big signs are being forthcoming (ie waters breaking, bloody show, contractions, needing to push, baby appearing…)

It’s lovely to know that I’m not alone and I have a met a very cool group of ladies on Twitter who are all in the same position as me, so we get to share stories and hope to send each other into labour.

However, even though this is not my first child nor my first labour, I have NO IDEA what I’m waiting for.

With The Toddler, my waters broke at exactly 39 weeks.  I had very little pain and basically no contractions to speak of and when I got to hospital, I was 3cm dilated and the MW, during the exam, put her fingers straight on the Toddlers’ head.  So, I’ve never really done the early labour thing.  I know what contractions feel like once they get started and I know what it feels like to be induced from 5cm but I don’t know whether the little aches I’ve been having or the movements I’ve been feeling are part of labour or something else.

My labour with the Toddler, once it got going, was very short – about 2 hours.  And then 15 mins of pushing and she was here.  After speaking to my MW, I have been advised to call when I’m feeling anything regular as its likely that this labour will also be short.  I’ve protested by saying that I will call her when it starts to hurt, but she’s concerned that by that point it might be too late! I know, I’m an extremely lucky lady!

Last night (and not for the first time in the last three weeks!)  I was concerned that I’d gone into labour.  I was sat on my gym ball and listening to some music while making another Pearpear for The Toddler and I came over all hot, my back started to hurt like it does during monthlies and baby started wiggling like mental.  I was getting some stabbing pains where we shouldn’t talk about and I was pretty certain that something was about to happen.  I told my OH and waited for an hour to see if anything progressed.

Well, 24 hours later and I’m still here, sat on the damn ball, with nothing but some stabbing pains (which are this baby burying down.)  I know that this baby was 3/5ths engaged last week and 2/5ths engaged two weeks before so it’s heading in the right direction.   I just don’t have a clue what I’m waiting for when it comes to early labour.

Guess I might end up with a home birth after all!!